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We accept the love we think we deserve.
written on Thursday, August 22, 2013 @ 11:49 PM ✨{ 3 comments }


I always wonder why I push people away. They wanted to be with me; they've been always there for me but all I did was make them walk out of my life.

I still remember, he was so sad when I asked him to get out of my life. For several years, he stick with me without complaining. But after 7 years, he has had enough.

I was doing okay for the whole day until I saw his post on Facebook. He seemed happy. It's not that I realized I have developed romantic feelings towards the guy. No, I just miss him. I feel so sad because he was like my best friend. For those years all he did was endure and understand my fucked up being. He never complained. As long as he could, he'd understand me. I still remember, he'd try his best to make me feel better. With all of his corny jokes I never liked, now I am missing them. When he treats me food and make fun about my eating habit. Those automatic 'good morning' messages I see in the morning and 'good night' before I sleep. When I almost broke down when my family had the biggest crisis, he was there. He never left. He just did when I have broke his heart more than I should.

It's just, do I remind him of anything? Do I ever cross his mind?

I know I was killing him when I said he should get lost. A thousand times did I push him away. But now, my heart is breaking to pieces seeing him happy. Without me. Selfish and mean but I am not used to it. And now he's living his life to the fullest while I am here stuck with my bed with fucked up thoughts and feelings, slowly ruining my life.

I just wish the best. He deserves more than that. He deserves more than me. He deserves so much more.

No, I have no plans on bringing everything we have before. The person's happy and contented. I cannot burden him with my sadness anymore. He has taken his path and I have made this decision after all.

Omg. I shouldn't be posting things like this but ugh, I feel like I am carrying a thousand pounds of sadness.

I just had to push him you know. Make him forget about what he felt. It's not that he has given less.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

And it wasn't the love I think I ever deserve.


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