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I feel like I'm doing everything wrong
written on Friday, November 9, 2012 @ 1:35 PM ✨{ 9 comments }

I ruined somebody's birthday. I didn't get to greet him properly. And he was like, "I was waiting for your greetings all day! Are you mad at me? You've changed."

Actually, I greeted him beforehand but I didn't get to greet him properly yesterday because it slipped off my mind. It's just that, this person, I affect him so much. Everything that I do, it affects him. It is because he's been liking me for I think almost 7 years already. Ever since he was in 6th grade and I was in my 1st year of high school, he already likes me. And until now, he's been persistent with his liking for me. But no matter what I do, I couldn't get to like him more than a friend and I feel like I'm a horrible person for breaking his heart a million times throughout the years.

It's like, being honest is like hurting him. And I don't like people getting all torn up and distressed on my account. The guilt is there. It won't go away. He's a good friend and he's always the person I come to whenever I feel bad. He was always there for me. But the feelings he has for me isn't mutual. I couldn't be there for him more than a friend. A friend, that's all I could give. No matter how many times I say this to him, he seems not to understand. I remember one time, he told me that never in his life has he seen me just a friend. It has always been more than that.

I ruined his birthday by telling him again how we couldn't be together for I don't feel the same as what he feels about me. His last message was "Sorry. I hope you'll just let me love you until I could forget about you. Thank you."

I wonder what are his friends telling about me. I bet they hate me so much for letting their friend down all the time. I can't help it, I don't want to lead him on. Thinking of it, for 7 years, have I lead him on? In that span of time, people would really think that I did. Aigoo.

If only we could just be friends... everything will be better.

But I had a nice phone call with Camille last night. She phoned me and she was crying. She told me that a guy was cursing her for trying to get in between him and his new girlfriend who's an ex-friend of Camille. Camille told me she wasn't getting in between them and she just asked her now-ex-friend a question and you know what did the bitch do? She told her boyfriend that Camille said he was a player and blah blah blah. The guy was crazily mad and he spammed my Camille with his cussing and foul language. She even called my friend 'ugly' in a very foul manner in our language that made me so mad! Such a douche. To think that he was going after Camille before and now he's treating her like shit, cursing her every possible way.

I tried to comfort Camille and it somehow worked. I was surprised. I mean, I'm bad at comforting and I was never good at words but I made her laugh a lot last night. I don't even know how I did that. Then we talked about her new suitor and other things that we could laugh about. I just feel happy I was able to make her feel better that night.

Kyaaa. It's good to blog again. I didn't go to school today because I was so sleepy. My friend are gonna enroll themselves today but oh well. I'll just do it next week. I've been waiting for them for the past few days but they didn't appear so I'll just do it on Monday. I can't do it at the moment either. Blame the bed, people!

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