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Sudden burst. (This is a rant with drama. You've been warned.)
written on Thursday, September 20, 2012 @ 4:49 PM ✨{ 5 comments }

I just got home from school. I didn't stay at school for long and I didn't even attend my last class today because I'm positive that my instructor wouldn't be around because she's in Manila enrolling herself some classes in De La Salle for her doctorate degree.

I just had a worst day. I think had a misunderstanding with my friend. I don't know if that was really a misunderstanding. We were getting our exam papers done and we were kind in a rush. I was feeling more pressured because I didn't get to my open and review my notes last night because I was too busy reviewing my other subjects.

I made myself look so bad to my friend (Gonna hide him by the name Tom). I don't know. To be very honest, I am so pissed and hurt right now. Yes, I am sensitive; I am sensitive when it comes to people that I cared for.

Just because I didn't get to tell you right away the thing he was asking me does that mean he no longer will talk to me? Like make me feel that I don't exist? I wasn't being selfish. I had things to do as well and I didn't forget him. After what I was doing, I told him what he was asking and then he was like, "No it's fine" to me.

After our exam, instead of leaving class together like we used to, Tom went ahead leaving me behind. Although he did tell me that he's gonna leave before me, I am not stupid not to feel the uneasiness between us. Okay. It's fine, I thought to myself then after a couple of minutes, I ran downstairs and went to my next class which was located by the way, in the next building like 50 meters away. I finished my next exam for 30mins after some 10minutes more, I decided to go back to the main building.

Seriously, after the uneasiness with Tom, I couldn't think straight. While taking an exam, once in a while my problem with Tom keeps on popping in my head. My mind was working triple and my mood already reached the ground. I had my head lowered and had this pout paste in my mouth the whole time. I don't know why but while walking to the bathroom, I involuntarily look at the left and then there was Tom, together with our other friends too. I am not positive if Tom has seen me. I stayed inside the bathroom for a long time thinking if I would sit with them or not. They looked fine and happy talking. And I kinda thought that Tom had already told our other friends about what I did which I really have no intentions of doing so.

After a decade, I pulled up all my courage and went pass by Tom and sat behind them. Not too far, not too near either.

I don't know how to approach them. So I just stayed behind them while they talk. Not really behind, more like, beside Tom but a bit far. I am very sure Tom noticed me because I could feel him looking sideways in my spot. They were talking about eating, I think? I really looked stupid and lonely while I sat there behind them just eavesdropping what they were talking. I thought it's bad to eavesdrop so I put on my earphones and listened to music for a moment. Listening to music that time made my mind get distorted. I couldn't think straight even more so I put the earphones down. I even tried to just read and hoped that I would be drowned with what I am reading but it was no help. One of our friends asked Tom if they'd wanna come along with them and its like Tom was thinking deeply about it because he didn't answer right away. But in the end, they left happily.

Tom knew I was there. I am positive that my other friend noticed me too because I know they aren't stupid. I passed by them and stayed close (okay not too close) to them. I calmed myself down and told myself that it's okay. I thought of things to do and I decided to ask my other classmates if we have a class on this particular subject.

I went up to 4th floor and the time I was there, my friend who was with Tom called me asking me where I am. I feel awfully pissed, hurt and somehow mad about i don't know that I could barely hear myself answering my friend on the phone. I quickly ran and burst into tears in one of the cells in the bathroom at school. Wow. Drama inside the school's bathroom. Too much for me to take. I told my friend I wasn't coming to them atm and I'm going home and ended the call quickly. I was sobbing inside the cell I don't know even why was I crying in the first place. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and they just fell. I feel unwanted. I seriously feel like I am so bad to deserve this. I am not even used to situations like this so its really hard for me to take it all inside of me. I feel like my world is falling apart when someone's mad at me so I keep on restraining myself from offending someone or even hurting them. But it happened like its inevitable. They left me. Few students saw me and most of them were my classmates. It sucked.

I pity myself. I pity myself so much that it hurts.

They may not say anything but I know they were talking about me behind my back. I know them. I won't act too innocent and think about things positively because it is stupid and it hurts to be blind about things you clearly see. I thought that talking about others behind their back is somehow and unacceptably natural. It always happens.

I don't know how to end this post. I feel awful right now. I am not used to people leaving me because I only select those who I want to stay in my life but wow, they could leave me. Didn't think of that. Anyone wouldn't stay there for me which is understandable but I just hate the fact of making friends and eventually they will just leave you because you'd done something wrong in their eyes. I seriously feel like crying again.

It doesn't hurt to have no friends. What hurts is when you have one then near in the future, they will be gone. Although they aren't totally gone, I realized they were capable of making me feel unwanted; capable of leaving me behind.

My PMS made all of these worse.

Immaturity. Childishness. Hypocrisy or whatever you call it. No one understand. Byes.

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